Rhetoric of Fear The Death of the California Dream Health Care in Perspective The Discipline Leave No Child Behind No Daddy, No! Unconditional Equal Justice under the Law Thank God I Am Not A Woman Infallible "Don't ask, don't tell" Thou Shalt Not Kill Irreconcilable Differences My Will Positive Reinforcement Changing My Name After Sixty Years Copyright © 2000-2009 Thomas E. Rosenberg. All right reserved. Essays may be reproduced with written permission. tomr@inaword.org

The elimination of negative words brings clarity to speech No Daddy, No! I believe in negative thought. I have also learned that negative thought can be expressed using positive words. When two people (or sides) differ, positive words lead to conflict resolution provided that both sides keep an open mind and are willing to reconcile. In this context, the use of positive words is a discipline. The use of negative words is a bad habit. I'm both amused and challenged when I hear young children, especially toddlers who are learning to speak, express themselves using negative words. Believe me, I have heard "No, Daddy. No!" many times. A child saying "no" is as natural as smiling or crying. "No" from a child is the first declaration of independence and assertiveness. Learning to speak is a conditioned, as opposed to a biological, phenomenon. Consider how long it takes a child to learn elementary speech. Mastering language is a learning process. The elimination of negative words is a matter of training. Children are more receptive to change, and to applying a discipline to language, than adults. There are two issues for adults to keep in mind. The easiest issue to resolve is clarity. In communicating with children, a parent must be understood. The chance of a positive command being understood is better than using a negative command. For example, a toddler approaches a hot object such as a fireplace or stove. The command "Stay away from that stove!" is clearer than the command "Don't touch that stove." Suppose the child only hears " . . . touch that stove"...? The second issue, conflict resolution is vital to the relationship between a child and his or her parents for obvious reasons. Thought and behavior are conditioned by the way we speak. Because a child lacks maturity, getting to "yes" is perhaps even more important for a parent and child than resolving conflicts between adults. Because of their arbitrary nature, the use of negative words hinders conflict resolution. Obviously by getting a child to communicate what he or she wants, makes resolution easier. There are several reasons why positive words lead to resolution. Positive words require substantiation. When two people have differing opinions, let's say over public policy, reconciliation comes with a clear statement of facts: "I believe this . . . . " "I believe that . . . " When people keep an open mind, presumably the facts will speak for themselves. The statement "I don't believe (you) . . . " stops the dialogue. The more clearly an adult can communicate with a child the better their relationship will be. Obviously there are occasions with children that call for a clear decision based upon maturity. There are occasions when a child will test authority simply to test authority. Discipline or, if you wish, "structure" gives a child a sense of security. There are times when it is necessary to be firm. When a child refuses to obey a positive command and obeying becomes a test of will, at least you can be sure that the child understands what you are saying. At that point you resolve the issue by taking charge, stop arguing, and enforce your decision with the technique that has been established in the home, a technique that the child understands. Call it a "time out" or put the child in his or her room, whatever comes naturally. Use of positive words is a discipline that applies to the parent and the child. The best time to establish that discipline, for the parent and child, is in the formative years. The discipline encourages positive thought. Since independence and assertiveness are admirable qualities, the parent must also listen. There are times that demand patience. Instead of dismissing a "no" outright, a child can be directed to express himself or herself in terms of what they want. Speech is the connection of thoughts. I believe training a child to express ideas using positive words will help the child (and parent) make reasoned decisions.